Christmas Review

Well, I am back from my 'vacation' and thought it'd best to update properly.

I headed to Florida for christmas to spend with my Dad and stepmom Mo. I spent 5 days there and, honestly, have never been so bored in my life. I didn't quite feel like a guest nor family member. I couldn't (or wasn't allowed) to help out for the christmas prep work but also didn't feel right just sitting there doing nothing (well knitting). It had been 2 years since i had seen my dad and almost 4 years since I had been in florida and things hadn't changed much since. They still don't have their "family picture' wall up, but every other wall is filled with crap. There isn't one picture of me in their house except for the pictures that my dad has on his bureau in their room, the same pictures he's had for 15 or so years. I thought that was strange. They did, however have pictures of Mo's grandchildren. She has 3 (from 2 sons) and they had small pictures of 2 of the kids on one of the bookshelves. They were tiny and i would have never noticed if i hadn't been looking for pictures. I found it strange that there were NO pictures of family or of fun times or anything. All the things on the walls were 'art' or framed professional photographs of random things. How could i be his daughter when my apt is FULL of pictures. I don't have room on my walls for any more, my fridge is covered with snapshots and i've got stuff on every shelf of my bookshelves. --how not to feel like part of the family.

christmas day was really low key, i went to church alone because neither of them are practicing anything. they believe in something, but i'm not sure there is a 'church' for that. on my way home i made all of my calls to friends and family wishing merry christmas and all that good crap. i missed my mom. it was the first christmas ever, EVER, that we weren't together. Growing up, i'd spend christmas with the Pelletier family and then spend new years with the Kelly family. That was the way it was and it worked perfectly. I got two christmas' SCORE!But now that we don't live near any large group of the Pelletier family and the Kelly family hasn't really gotten together for 5 or so years for any holiday, all holidays were spent with my mom. that was normal and what i wanted, but this year i decided that it'd be nice to head down to FLA and be a good daughter.

My father doesn't know how to interact with me. he doesn't know if he should treat me like a friend, a family member, a stranger or something else. He doesn't really understand me (i know we all say our parents don't understand us, but he really doesn't understand me) and he honestly doesn't know me. I've never been able to be up front and honest with him regarding my feelings toward him and i sort of regret that now. But i feel like it's too late. I'm done with my formitative yeras, he can't help me become someone or shape my future--he has no idea what i want out of life, what makes me happy or what makes me sad.

He doesn't realize that he's basically fucked me up for life. i dont know how to interact with men because of my lack of a relationship with him. i am genuinely scared and fearful for the day when I get married and move in with my husband. I've never lived with a man and have no concept of what it's like to do so. I had hoped to have a male roommate between highschool and marriage, and that's still a possibility, but highly unlikely. I think that's why i fall so hard for guys that I like. I want them to fill a void in me left by my lack of a normal relationship with a male.

i often worry about my inability to have a normal relationship with anyone now because of what happened when i was younger. I fear that i'll never find what i'm looking for and will end up alone. or that i'll have to settle for fear of being along. it seems that i'm always attracted to older men, wonder why? hah i'm looking for a father figure and a lover in one man--almost impossible, if not unhealthy as well. i want someone that'll take care of me but will let me do things on my own so that i can learn- sounds just like a father role.

i dont know. maybe i'm just to sensitive to it all. i hate that i don't have a relationship with my father but am too lazy to do anything about it. and god knows he won't.

C$