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Wow. That's all I can say. I don't remember writing my last post in August, but do remember what Mr. Big did to make me think things were over. I remember it like it was yesterday and it still stings a bit, especially since, 6 months later it may actually be over.

We had moved on since August. Became friends again. Texting, flirting, emailing, gchatting, hanging out all the things that friends do, but me, I wasn't just his friend. I was in it for the thrill. The thrill that maybe he would suddenly wake up one day and realize that I was someone he wanted to be with.

And friend I was. I was the one he told everything to. The one he could bitch opening and honestly with because he knew I'd never tell. But more importantly, because I'd like to think he knew, I listend and put up with his crap because I cared. I wasn't going to use the info he gave me to hurt him, help me get in better with his friends. I wasn't going to use his friendship to help me along in my career or any other aspect of life. It was friendship in it's truest form.

Well except for that minor thing that I thought I could fall in love with him.

Yeah. I was that girl.

When my friends made it very clear that they didn't like him. They didn't like how he treated me or, perhaps, even as a person, I kept making excuses: "but he's so funny," "we get along so well," "yeah he's kind of a jerk, but he's got a decent heart," etc etc etc I pulled my friend aside and said, "I know we have all of our issues but, I think we're meant to be together, forever. I think he's the one." Her answer offered without hesitiation: "no, C$, you are not meant to be together forever." I just shrugged my shoulders and went off in bliss.

Ignorance is bliss.

Why, all of a sudden, did I decide that maybe it's done for good, almost 10 months to the day. Because of an unreturned text. It's been 24 hours and nothing.

Nothing.

I guess that's what "we" were: nothing.

BUT, I am not nothing. I deserve... something from someone that actually cares about me. Not something better than anyone else, but something better than I've had in the past. Looking at past relationships, I don't know if I've every actually really had one.

Maybe 2009 can be my year?

to blog or not to blog, that is the question

I think I might be back to dear old blog, if just for myself. Part of me thinks that I went away because I was tired of writing/thinking about my life instead of living it. I'd like to think that I can do both, at least somewhat for a while. I need an outlet for the things that are going on in my life, and as much as I love (and thank) my friends for being there, sometimes I just need to be able to vent without having to censor myself or my feelings.

A lot has happened in the year since I posted. A lot of good and some not so good. I'd like to think I've learned a lot about myself, but that might not be true. I really don't know. I do know I've learned more about what I need from the people that I allow in my life. Although I don't always listen to my own gut feelings about people (especially boys, BIG surprise there) but when reading previous posts I believe I've learned to put up with less from those types of guys.

My own Mr. Big is on his way out of my life, at least, I hope. He's caused to much stress and drama into my life that just isn't worth it. To think about the time I've spent thinking (over-anaylizing) what his text, email, gchat, comment "really means". The time spent calling my girlfriends for their advice on the perfect response back to his text, email, gchat, comment. Thinking about what he said to me when we first met compared to what he said or did yesterday. His actions would never allow him to stay in my life as a friend, why would I allow him to stick around as a 'something'?

For the first time since I've known him (3.5 months) he apologized for something. Who knows why he did it. But I thought it was a step in the right direction. Boy, was I wrong. It only took less than 24 hours when I realized he wasn't really sorry, he just knew he had to do something to show some effort. It all seems so silly and minor, but when added all together, his actions speak much louder than any text, "I'm sorry about EVERYTHING..." could ever make up for.

He makes me act like a drama-ridden girl that we all hate. It drives me crazy that, around him, I can't seem to put together two thoughts into a coherent statement, that we always seem to be "fighting" about something or other. Nothing is ever easy with him. I never thought it would be, but I also didn't think it would be all drama, all the time when it comes to him. The night I met him the girl he was with (his best friend's ex) told me he had his heart broken but that he was great guy that had been hurt. Sorry, there's only so much I can tolerate before taking it personally.

And yet, there's something about him that doesn't allow me to just walk away. Is it because I can't have him? Is it because he doesn't seem interested? Who knows. But I do know that I cannot keep calling my friends, drunk, bitching about him again. I can't use him as an excuse to drink and/or go on the prowl for someone else. I can't use him as an excuse to be mad, anymore.

Here's to new beginnings....