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Wow. That's all I can say. I don't remember writing my last post in August, but do remember what Mr. Big did to make me think things were over. I remember it like it was yesterday and it still stings a bit, especially since, 6 months later it may actually be over.

We had moved on since August. Became friends again. Texting, flirting, emailing, gchatting, hanging out all the things that friends do, but me, I wasn't just his friend. I was in it for the thrill. The thrill that maybe he would suddenly wake up one day and realize that I was someone he wanted to be with.

And friend I was. I was the one he told everything to. The one he could bitch opening and honestly with because he knew I'd never tell. But more importantly, because I'd like to think he knew, I listend and put up with his crap because I cared. I wasn't going to use the info he gave me to hurt him, help me get in better with his friends. I wasn't going to use his friendship to help me along in my career or any other aspect of life. It was friendship in it's truest form.

Well except for that minor thing that I thought I could fall in love with him.

Yeah. I was that girl.

When my friends made it very clear that they didn't like him. They didn't like how he treated me or, perhaps, even as a person, I kept making excuses: "but he's so funny," "we get along so well," "yeah he's kind of a jerk, but he's got a decent heart," etc etc etc I pulled my friend aside and said, "I know we have all of our issues but, I think we're meant to be together, forever. I think he's the one." Her answer offered without hesitiation: "no, C$, you are not meant to be together forever." I just shrugged my shoulders and went off in bliss.

Ignorance is bliss.

Why, all of a sudden, did I decide that maybe it's done for good, almost 10 months to the day. Because of an unreturned text. It's been 24 hours and nothing.

Nothing.

I guess that's what "we" were: nothing.

BUT, I am not nothing. I deserve... something from someone that actually cares about me. Not something better than anyone else, but something better than I've had in the past. Looking at past relationships, I don't know if I've every actually really had one.

Maybe 2009 can be my year?