to blog or not to blog, that is the question

I think I might be back to dear old blog, if just for myself. Part of me thinks that I went away because I was tired of writing/thinking about my life instead of living it. I'd like to think that I can do both, at least somewhat for a while. I need an outlet for the things that are going on in my life, and as much as I love (and thank) my friends for being there, sometimes I just need to be able to vent without having to censor myself or my feelings.

A lot has happened in the year since I posted. A lot of good and some not so good. I'd like to think I've learned a lot about myself, but that might not be true. I really don't know. I do know I've learned more about what I need from the people that I allow in my life. Although I don't always listen to my own gut feelings about people (especially boys, BIG surprise there) but when reading previous posts I believe I've learned to put up with less from those types of guys.

My own Mr. Big is on his way out of my life, at least, I hope. He's caused to much stress and drama into my life that just isn't worth it. To think about the time I've spent thinking (over-anaylizing) what his text, email, gchat, comment "really means". The time spent calling my girlfriends for their advice on the perfect response back to his text, email, gchat, comment. Thinking about what he said to me when we first met compared to what he said or did yesterday. His actions would never allow him to stay in my life as a friend, why would I allow him to stick around as a 'something'?

For the first time since I've known him (3.5 months) he apologized for something. Who knows why he did it. But I thought it was a step in the right direction. Boy, was I wrong. It only took less than 24 hours when I realized he wasn't really sorry, he just knew he had to do something to show some effort. It all seems so silly and minor, but when added all together, his actions speak much louder than any text, "I'm sorry about EVERYTHING..." could ever make up for.

He makes me act like a drama-ridden girl that we all hate. It drives me crazy that, around him, I can't seem to put together two thoughts into a coherent statement, that we always seem to be "fighting" about something or other. Nothing is ever easy with him. I never thought it would be, but I also didn't think it would be all drama, all the time when it comes to him. The night I met him the girl he was with (his best friend's ex) told me he had his heart broken but that he was great guy that had been hurt. Sorry, there's only so much I can tolerate before taking it personally.

And yet, there's something about him that doesn't allow me to just walk away. Is it because I can't have him? Is it because he doesn't seem interested? Who knows. But I do know that I cannot keep calling my friends, drunk, bitching about him again. I can't use him as an excuse to drink and/or go on the prowl for someone else. I can't use him as an excuse to be mad, anymore.

Here's to new beginnings....