long awaited update

So it's November and I guess I should update. If only for myself and not any reader of sort. What made me to update you may ask, well reading a recent post by Boston sports loving "the single" guy and his recent breakup with his girl in Chicago made me re-live my breakup from Mike in January. Funny how something can bring you back to an exact moment in time. It was 'funny' reading Sports guy post about how Wrigley girl started to act differently and how, he later found out, she was questioning their relationship back in September.

To some extent, I was like Wrigley girl with Mike. I was the one who always kept him away from me and was worried that he cared for me more than I cared for him. I was so scared on NYE that he'd tell me he loved me that Suz and I had a plan (lesbian action was involved), but he didn't and all was good. We had a decent time that weekend, but I knew something was up when he didn't want to sleep with me. Then when I was in London and he was IMing/emailing me that he missed me, yadda yadda yadda, I bought into it. But still knew that I didn't care about his as much as he cared for me. I would talk to Suz about how to break up with, needing a concrete reason for the break up and not just the typical, 'it's not you it's me' crap. Although his lack of truth behind is motives to see his Ex and his relationship with Sam should have been enough for me, but it wasn't--I needed something to tell him so that he could 'fix himself'. When I was in London I called him a couple of times on his cell phone, and one time he mentioned that his mother thought that he might be charged for taking an international call but to call him on his house phone. The first time I called he wasn't around, left a message with the mom and the second time the line was busy, I tried for almost 30 minutes to get through to him (it was well past midnight in London-town) and finally gave up and called his cell. He answered, pissed that I called, and told me to call back on his house phone. Well I called again and it was still busy (call waiting and his dad didn't click over). I called him back on his cell (all while using my phone card to make the calls...) and again he was pissed, said he couldn't do anything about it and he'd talk to me later. I went to bed more pissed of then I have been in along time. I was so mad at him, I was calling him from FUCKING LONDON. Who cares if it cost him on his cell phone, he was living at home and banking at least $33K in profit from work, so there was really no need to be so concerned with $. I think that was the end of it, looking back at it now, almost a year later. That was a sign to both of us that we didn't appreciate one another and I should have broken it off then, but didn't. It was close to 2 weeks later that I got a call from him, we chit chatted, normal small talk and then he said the dreaded words "I need to talk to you...I don't think this is working out...I don't know how you feel about me, you aren't very open with your feelings...." I was shocked, dumbfounded, silent. I didn't know what to say to that. I thought he was going to tell me he loved me, not break up with me. I had no idea what to think. I talked rational for a while "um...ok...if that's what you think is best....um....ok....." and soon moved to crying. WHY was this happening? I was crying more over the fact that he was dumping me than the actual dumping, but he didn't know that. We talked for nearly 2 hours about our feelings and 'coming clean.' in all honesty, I came up with a lot of bullshit so that he'd feel bad for 'breaking my heart' (his words not mine) but they didn't seem to work. I called up Jenn, balling, and she was smart enough to talk some sense into me. Thank god for her. She reminded me that I didn't really like the kid and had wanted to break up with him for a while. That I had already started talking to a new kid and this was a good thing. It was a tough couple of days after the breakup--not because my 'heart was broken' but because I had lost a friend, someone that I'd talk to almost daily and exchange emails through work on a daily basis. I would just wait for that stupid 'ding' from Outlook telling me that someone cared about me. I was going through a lot being in DC by myself and he was my sense of stability, helping me through it. It wasn't that I had lost a boyfriend it was that I lost a friend.

I am not sad that the breakup happened, in fact it was a good thing. It would have happened at some point and I didn't want to be the cause of hurt on his part. From what I've heard (and now know) he started dating his friend Sam soon after we broke up. It is the same Sam that I told him "you two have so much in common, you should date her" and he'd be quick to reply "why would I do that when I have a girlfriend...She's just a friend" or something along those lines. What I didn't know was the extent of time they were spending together and how they already acted like a couple around Andrew.

anyway, I think I'm a better person because he's not around. I've re-evaluated what is important to me in a mate and found that he only had one thing going for him, he liked sports. But that wasn't even true, he liked watching sports, not doing anything athletic. So in fact, he had none of the traits I wanted. hmmm. Interesting how we'll sacrifice things that seem so important to us when it comes to matters of the heart.

Howie Day's Collide is on the radio. This song makes me first think of Mike but most recently, of DCboy. Somehow he and I always collide. "I find I'm scared to know that I'm always on your mind"I love this song and do believe that someday DCboy and I will someday collide for one last time...and either end our 'friendship' for good or end it because something more is starting.

more later, back to work now.

C$